Janice's blog

2004-04-08T09:03:00.000+01:00

Ineptitude, frustration and the NHS

Yesterday in the morning my sensitive tooth felt sore so I wanted to rub some Sensodyne into it and discovered that there was a chunk out of it right at the gumline. I was worried (in case the nerve got inflamed) and called the dentist. The receptionist told me there were no emergency appointments until Tuesday because of staffing shortages and Easter and that I should go to the Emergency Dental clinic at London Hospital, Whitechapel. Off I went and found a clinic that had a notice, open after 7pm. I decided to call the dental office back to let her know and ask for alternatives. The receptionist told me to go to the one on New Road, third floor, around the corner.

I arrived at a very nasty building, rode the list to the third floor, where I was told by an officious woman I should be on the first floor. I walked down two floors and walked into another reception area. There was a large open floor with people being worked on, and three receptionists who were not too interested in looking up to greet me. The third one looked up lazily and greeted me the traditional London way: a'right? Not really, I replied, no one has helped me yet. (OK, OK. I was stroppy...) After telling her I needed emergency dental, she informed me it was on the first floor. I thought I was already there but apparently this was again the third. Could the lift buttons have been wrong, could I have hit 5 by mistake. Who knows!

On the first floor was a waiting room filled with very bored people. Another receptionist was chatting to a friend on her phone and tried to avoid catching my eye. I went ahead anyway and told her I need an appointment. She told me that to get one I would have to be there by 7:15am. Since it was noon, I left and walked over to Brick Lane to have some lunch, walked along Bethnal Green Road to my bus home.

Once at home I called the dental office receptionist again. I told her what I had been told. She was defensive, saying she didn't know. I told her she did now. She brusquely asked me to hold while she talked to a patient. I then listened to her laughing and flirting to two male patients, telling them cheerfully about they could come back for an emergency appointment if they wanted, while wondering if all female patients or just this one were treated with the opposite kind of response.

Back on the line with me, the tone was again one of annoyance. I could come in on Tuesday at 9am and sit with two other hopeful emergency patients waiting for a gap to be seen. I decided that I would try to do this rather than brave the nastiness of the emergency clinic, barring excruciating pain between now and then. She did, however, wonder if I'd tried St Leonard's (this was the first mention of the place). Seeing as I had an appointment there later, I called them to be told that they did not see emergency patients and would I like to come in in June... (sigh).

So far this week has been dismal, for reasons I am too depressed to talk about yet -- oh, I will! I've wasted time, more money than I am comfortable with, and dealt with people whose own agenda was more important even when I was the customer.

OK, I've been pretty negative. I will end by saying that my visit to St. Leonard's was mostly really good. I called ahead to say that I was going to be out of the country and would that affect the delivery of the results of the pap test I was going to have. I was told no and to come in. I arrived during yet another cold blustery shower that dampened my already sagging (and soggy) spirit. The front door was closed and a notice asked me to go to the back door. At the visitors' gate I asked the guard where the entrance was and he got out of his booth and walked me partway explaining cheerfully how to get the rest of the way. Bliss. A customer service person who cares! At the clinic I was reminded how nice the women were. The nurse sat and took time with me over a questionnaire, smiling and commenting and giving me advice along the way. She was reassuring about my blood pressure ('it's just fine!') and gave me a reasonably comfortable exam, chatting along the way. It almost fell apart when I reminded her that I might be away when the results came in. "We don't like people to come in for tests if they will be away during the following three months," she explained. "They should have cancelled." Well, damn!

2004-04-01T23:00:00.000+01:00

If Women Ruled the World -- the DE UK mailing list asked us to discuss this.

I think the most important point covered by the show -- which showed some hypothetical ways the world would change if women were the dominant gender -- was how differently women would work if they could. This same point was brought up at the Women in IT conference some of us attended last year. Women -- especially those with families and an even more special case for those older women in the sandwich generation living with children and aging parents -- find the 9 to 5 work day stifling. Greater flexibility in hours and workplace arrangements, telecommuting, acceptance of need to take care of family business without workplace/career penalty, would all make the working woman's world more palatable. The show highlighted the woman's day in an exaggerated but reasonably accurate fashion -- get up, make sure the rest of the family get off on the right foot, go to work, business lunch or eat at your desk, finish work, go home -- probably late, take care of family matters interspersed with business interruptions, go to bed, get up and start over. It is absolutely true that the working week is oriented towards the needs of the male.

Someone on the list asked why a woman of 50+ would be considering a new baby. IMO this is not farfetched. Older women going through menopause often have these thoughts, albeit nostalgic. Older women suddenly single may also experience fear that their final chances for motherhood are gone. And older women in second relationships also have these thoughts -- a new baby with a new man. If in the future -- as portrayed by this show -- they did not have to go through the pregnancy, did not have to worry about the health issues older motherhood may bring to themselves or offspring, and did not to pay the workplace/career penalties, this could certainly become somewhat of a reality.

The difficult part for me was seeing that the generation above and below the woman featured were not happy with things. Perhaps this is realistic -- generational gaps in philosophy will always exist. However, it did paint a picture of a world that may not progress in the right direction and of a status quo that might be flawed. So the writers' biases were showing. They were also showing when they portrayed men as the underdog, fighting for equal opportunity. I'd like to think that if women were ever ruling the world, we could take our own experiences and create an empathetically correct world for men.

2004-02-18T18:58:00.000Z

I'm learning Jaws. It's a program that allows blind people to use the internet. So far I hate learning it. My menopausal brain can't retain all the details. Anyway, enough of that -- I already mentioned it once. I must be obsessed.

Today I went to Ludgate Hill to meet Andy for lunch. St Paul's has more scaffolding. The front of the building (or is that the back!) has a bizarre screen hiding the scaffolding with a screening of the actual building on it. Ludgate Hill has this ambience that reeks of old London, who knows what era. I imagine women with bustles and umbrellas and horses and carts. I don't know why. I just felt it, like ghosts along the road.

I'm totally unmotivated to do my walk today. I haven't missed too many. It is day 17 of my eat less move more plan. I refuse to weigh myself. I had a thought, you see. I am trying to feel and be healthier. So if it's about how I feel, why bother with the numbers? It's immaterial. After two weeks of feeling stagnant but sticking to it, on Monday suddenly I felt different. My jeans felt less tight, my body felt different inside my clothes. That felt great. Today I am more used to this newish me and I feel normal again. On to the next plateau!

2004-02-15T08:38:00.000Z

I'm back in London.

It's weird but I have culture shock. I have forgotten how to do things but at least I immediately remembered that the traffic travels on the left. I was nervous about that one.

London is unruly. It came to me in a rush almost as soon as I landed. It's chaotic and, despite the fact that rules are posted and broadcast by PA, by notice and billboard, by newspaper, radio and TV, There Are No Rules. People vault over barriers, they careen around in their cars assuming no one will notice that they are breaking the highway code, they sneak ahead of you in line/queue whatever you call it where you live, they ignore grammatical rules...innit? they travel without tickets, they are children grown very large and with money in their pockets. They look that way too. In London faces are a study in themselves. Looking around I see the oddest ones -- distorted, disproportionate, lopsided, with features at odd with themselves.

Toronto is orderly, neat and lawful.

So why do I love London? I could say I don't know...well, I don't completely...but its character is seductive. To be part of the chaos, or rather to stand just outside the chaos and look in, gets my imagination going. I walk around writing stories in my head, stories that rarely end up written down. The English don't really know they are odd, and of course they are not to themselves, but to this observer they are very odd. They are lumbering through life somehow hitting on getting through it, managing things despite everything, defying people like me who wonder how ANYTHING gets done, how I can possibly trust my life to a bus driver who can't converse above a grunt, and managing to remain fascinating and delightful.

In other words -- I hit on this the other day -- orderly and lawful can equal bland very quickly. Chaos is sexy.

Talking of chaos. Here is my life in a nutshell right now:

I have an article to write that I can't begin because I don't seem to have anything to say -- about social networking. The deadline is about three weeks away and I am terrified!

I am supposed to start writing for www.kwickee.com which is a fantastic idea if I ever get around to it. I also started teaching again -- I teach disabled adults to use the internet -- and they gave me a blind student. Next thing I know I am being hustled off to learn Jaws. It's absolutely dreadful. I will NEVER remember all those keystrokes. I'm a menopausal woman FFS!

On top of that I had to go to this very smelly flat in a horrible part of London and use a nasty 'lift' to go to the 12th floor (I am elevator phobic!) for each lesson. Shoot me! This week I have DE UK meetngs and they are counting on me to resurrect their zine which has just stalled -- am I CRAZY?

I'm going to a conference all day Friday for women who want to start their own business. I even get to have a personal coach -- yay! Fantastic but time consuming.

Finally next Monday I have my yearly mammogram and much more scared than I let anyone know.

2004-01-07T16:32:00.000Z

Christmas came and went! I am finally on my way back to London and leave on January 26. I'm really looking forward to it, and more so as the temperature here plunges. I find myself wondering if anything will be familiar in London and suddenly remembering things and, oh yeah, that's it... Will I feel like a stranger or will everything come rushing back to me the minute I hit Paddington Station?

Hackney will seem very odd indeed after pristine Toronto. Even this scrubby Chinatown back alley is neat and clean compared to the avenues of Hackney! Will I be repelled or will I embrace them?

Robin is backsliding but I can't stay. I will do what I can in these next few weeks -- can you say concerted effort -- and launch him solo once again. I'll be back in June, after all.

I was talking to Geoffrey Rockwell (hi, GR!) about the guilt of not blogging. Well, it seems it's not just neurotic moi who has these thoughts. Unlike you, GR, I am not convinced that a blog is dying if time goes by without blogging...my blog evolves and morphs as it will...it's just the tides of time, the state of my mind, my desire to share, my need to SPEW... So, hell, it's my blog and I'll write if I want to!

2003-11-26T15:11:00.000Z

Louise has inspired me to blog again. I was worried about not having something to say every day. But guess what, in her lovely blog she posts infrequently but eloquently. There's a lot to be said today but it's mostly feisty BP-raising rants so I shan't bother. Not now, anyway.

I am still in Toronto, feeling trapped.

Yesterday I was thinking quite seriously about going back to my original plan of gong back to London with Robin and then returning to Toronto mid-January with him; mostly because i feel so at odds here and missing K and thinking his rent situation is not letting him come here. Then I realised that Robin's benefit situation is in the same place so i feel trapped. Everything was galloping along with Robin seeing so many people, including the Best Doctor For Aspergers In The City, and now it's just stalled. He needs to get his benefit application sorted out because the BDFAITC confirms that Robin probably can't work. Until this is well underway, we can't go anywhere but WHO STARTS IT?

That's enough ranting for today. I'm off to have breakfast and shop!

2003-11-26T10:19:00.000Z

Fees for writing. I am sick and tired of people who want to hire me not just telling me how much they want to pay. When they ask me, it puts me in a jam and it's bloody dishonest. I've had enough of saying something and then finding out they would have paid much more (and have to someone else). It's about tiem they just come clean and stop the insanity!

You know, I started writing (for money) in 19bloody83 and in this entire time no one has come clean about MONEY! FFS. What's the problem?

2003-10-11T12:12:00.000+01:00

Woke up early this morning and Kat was already awake. Groping my way to the balcony, I opened the door and was staring at a bright full moon directly ahead. Didn't it know it should have set?

Some thoughts on Toronto, anyway. It's so fucking clean. Why did I never notice? People are casual...yes, that's the word. They play on the streets. Streetcars are full of people who while away time between spots on the map and the air conditioned subway cars are like moving cocktail parties without the cocktails -- everyone chatting politely, the younger ones showing off to each other. You could eat off the floor of some stations. Well, maybe not. I shall wander off to the balcony now and stare a bit at the backside of Chinatown and the Sony screen announcing the latest issue of Sing Tao (in both Mandarin and English) and then away we go to the farmers market.

2003-10-02T02:43:00.000+01:00

My dad’s friend, John, asked me to meet his friend’s niece, Sofia and her mother at Victoria from Portugal today since Sofia is starting college next week. I was to take them to the student hall of residence when Sofia told me where it was and make sure they settled in. Sofia phoned me the day before she arrived to say it was in Greenwich. So I thought, FUCK! Her courses will be in Shoreditch and Oxford Street…nuff said.

i was at victoria station around 2 since sofia had told me her plane landed then
i finally got a call at 3:15 to say they had landed late and were getting on the train
they werent on the 4 arrival time...i went for a short walk and she called me at 415 to say they were standing at the platform
i recognised them just fine

(big aside - i had been wandering around for hours and felt really SHABBY – my eye makeup was running from having a lash in my eye, my hair looked awful and I was wearing my ugly rain jacket -- while they both looked like hollywood stars -- ugh)
how can people TRAVEL and get off hte plane looking so fresh?????
(note to self. i am NOT a good traveller)

anyway...

we said our hellos and sofia showed me her letter
which gave directions slightly different than i would have taken them so i decided to follow that letter and trust that. (mistake)
i helped them get tickets and then we started onto the tube. HORRIBLE job with suitcases, even if on wheels
who knew there were that many stairs (without cases i never noticed them!)
we went to monument and changed. they were already wondering how much further

then we had that LOOONG walk to the DLR which actually is the walk from monument to bank (why didnt i remember that??)
tania was fading. we got on the DLR and then they started freaking out that it was sooo far
we got to greenwich FINALLY and it was right against the deadline to get into the residence so sofia called them
she is VERY levelheaded!
we called a taxi who said they would meet us at the car park.
we couldnt find the car park and NO ONE knew where it was!
so she called the residence again and they told her no problem. its a five minute walk
i laughed and said londoners always say five minutes. ok lets go
so off we went. it was getting colder and windier and tania was walking miles behind us. wearing high heels and swearing in portuguese

we get to the building (TWENTY minutes later)
and theres no way in. she phones again. Sid says: Yes it sounds like a nightmare
they direct us to a different door. we get in and start the registration.
the girl at the desk was there past her going away time and was A COW (i mean it)
so then they tell her that her deposit has not cleared and they cant admit her until she repays
much negotiation and tania pulls out £1700 in CASH to pay them
the first of three installments i undestand. then give her this contraact
which again ensues much negotiation so i intervened
and said whats the earliest she can get out of this contract
they say JULY

more freaking out.
i say what if she doesnt want to stay here. sofia adds 'it's very far from my college' the cow is tony faced (havent you READ the contract, she says)
they say she can leave only if they can find a replacement tenant for her room
MORE translation and negotiation.
then she sadly signs
i wanted to tell the girl 'these people have travelled all day, this is not their country, they are tired and you have been a cow'
but i decide to say 'are you being paid overtime for this, tina?' she says 'no' i then understand and SORT OF forgive her

we then go out to find the residence entrance. it's now RAINING and howling wind (COLD)
tania keeps saying I DONT BELIEVE IT
sofia keeps saying THIS IS A NIGHTMARE

we get to her door finally and the key doesnt work very well.
but we get in and the place is spankign new and quite nice, esp the bathroom
that helped

we sit and scream for a while. i talk to sofia about getting a travelcard and also the best way to travel to school
(it wont be so bad when she isnt burdened by fatigue and cases...)
and i tell her when i get back from toronto we will start the proceedings to get someone else in her room and another room for her

we all go to dinner. it's 7 by this time
raining and cold. tania hates it but she loves the restaurant so that helps
she gives me a little present and tries to pay me for my travelcard. i say no, john paid for it.
they are gushing about how helpful and nice i am. i'm starting by now to feel guilty because they dont know john gave me money...

the little gift is lovely. we walk to the tube and their bus stop. tania tries to 'tip' me. i say no no no. and again feel guilty (PLEASE dont tell them john gave me a cheque!!)
i will lose my sainthood!

but quite honestly i felt for them and i will do everything i can to help
i will call her on sunday to see how they are. and then will be in touch when i get back and help her start looking elsewhere
they really had no choice but to sign.
but it was too too bad they had to
if they had asked me i would have said NOOOOOO to greenwich but it was a fait accompli by then
and we had a second chance when the deposit hadnt cleared but what could they do? tired, hungry, nowhere to go...
i wish i had somewhere for them. i would have told the cow where to stick it and jumped in a cab with them

anyway thats the shortish version of a longer story
i left them at 830.
they were going to squeeze into sofia single bunk together and go to brighton today
i gave them directions to victoria
i will text sofia today

now, who read that whole thing? nobody, I bet.

2003-09-28T02:25:00.000+01:00

Happy new year, everyone! L'Shanah tovah.

Went to see my two aunts yesterday -- separately...they aren't talking! I came home exhausted from smiling and agreeing all day. Sometimes I HATE being a GOOD girl. Couple of times wanted to slap the non-blood aunt. More than a couple, to be honest. Next comes Toronto and having to be a good girl and sit on slapping hand while visiting with mum and dad!

Have a busy week ahead but Thurs through Sunday are blessedly 'free' for me to pack and shop for the umpteen requested 'English stuff' items for family.

Beam me up, Scotty!

2003-08-28T02:27:00.000+01:00

Don't ask me how I came across this site http://www.childbirthedu.com/ but it's got some potential. There's a teaching aids section too.

By the way, I have been checking out how I can teach classes here in London. Not terribly productive so far but I'll keep trying. National Childbirth Trust has a qualified teacher program which would let me challenge a bunch of stuff and just (JUST???) produce four assignments, including an observed prenatal series. Well, hello? How do I get a series to teach. Duh. Anyway, not worrying yet. Maybe something to think about over the Fall. I have a busy August ahead.

My brother and his wife were in London a week or so ago for a few days, then are coming back on Friday for a week. While they were here I had two great meals. (Why is it always about food?) One of them was at Simpson's in the Strand, which is a very established restaurant specializing in roast beef and all the trimmings. It was very very posh. www.savoy-group.co.uk/simpsons/simpsons.asp - it's part of the Savoy Hotel chain and is actually located right next to the Savoy. I had so much roast beef on my plate I couldn't eat it all and, yes, I could cut it with a fork! I'd go back for sure; next time a meat frenzy hits me, that is. Liz and I also did a tourist thing -- hopped on an open bus tour which included a river cruise. The latter was spoiled by two loud and non-checked kids behind us who thought their commentary was more interesting than that coming pathetically over a 'loud' speaker.

Today will be (they say) the hottest day in history here in England. Will probably break the 100F barrier. I've been staying indoors with the blinds drawn. However, starting tomorrow I have to go out, including on the underground and I will have to be really careful. No air con anywhere. I hope they are handing out water as they did last year during that heatwave. The climate here is definitely changing. This is the third summer I have been here and each one has been hotter.

We have a busy week planned when my brother gets back, including a bit of travel but not far out of London. Lots more good meals and then I shall have to hit the gym with a vengeance.

2003-06-01T02:28:00.000+01:00

Thoughts from a Jewish Buddhist: (I think I am one!)

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage? That's another story.

Do not let children play contact sports like football, which lead only to injuries and instill a violent, war-like nature. Encourage your child to play peaceful games. Like "sports doctor." Or "sports agent."

To practice Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Those who know do not kibbitz. Those who kibbitz do not know.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Do not kvetch. Be a kvetch. Become one with your whining.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Whenever you feel anger, you should say, "May I be free of this anger!" This rarely works, but talking to yourself in public will encourage others to leave you alone.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, a nice piece Danish.

The Buddha taught that one should practice lovingkindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

Enter into your inner self and behold the eye of the soul. Gaze upon your original face before you were even born. Shocked? Remember, this was before the rhinoplasty.

Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

*If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, "Is it good for the Jews?"

2003-05-15T02:30:00.000+01:00

Hi everyone!

After a lovely start, May has become cool and rainy --
the sort of weather that keeps you inside snacking a
bit too much. :( However, despite a week-long cold, I
am still getting out.

And look at this:

The Rt Hon. Michael Portillo MP
invites you to attend a Presentation and Reception
by U Can Do I.T. on the 21st May 2003 at 4h30pm
in The Attlee Suite in the House of Commons
(Entrance: Portcullis House, Embankment on Westminster
Bridge)

So I shall be going to the House of Commons on
Wednesday. Maybe I could go buy a hat! (Nah!) Other
than that, I am staying reasonably close to home and
going out when the mood takes me. I've been working on
the study guide for the CBED course and that's about
it. I keep hoping for a nice part-time position so I
have a steady stream of pocket money. But I'm not
starving yet. Too many good things to eat here if I
let myself be tempted.

Last week in the news was a plea to exclusively
breastfeed babies for six months. In this
neighbourhood, parenting skills are pretty bleak, with
so many teen mothers. My guess is, judging from the
mothers' behaviour, that if a child ceases to be model
or ornamental, she becomes the object of verbal (and,
yes, sometimes physical) abuse. I say mothers because
there aren't too many fathers in sight. Last week I
saw a woman with a baby carrier, about the first time
I have seen one. It was very badly worn and I was
itching to tell her so. I see many bottles but do
recall a few months back a young woman in a shopping
mall (in this so-called multicultural nieghbourhood*)breastfeeding her baby, her breast completely bare. Extremes. They're pretty good at baby changing areas though.

If I go into the more yuppie neighbourhoods I see
things more or less along a North American theme, with
infants and children dressed in designer outfits and
parents using wheedling instead of yelling for
disclipline. Yesterday I saw two mini adolescents on
the pavement doing a rather uninhibited version of
their favourite girly group (there are so many here)
and I had to smile. This isn't so unusual. Kids seem
to be caught up in the get-famous-fast mentality I
notice everywhere. The Pop Idol phenomenon started
here and there are often two or three such shows
running at the same time. At any time on the bus,
schoolgirls entertain by singing full-voice loudly, surprisingly well, until you just pray their stop is coming up.

Talking of the bus, the Night Bus is a London
adventure. Night buses run some time after 11 or 12
and are always crammed with the under-30s let out from
the pub and on their way to a club. The atmosphere is celebratory. You'd think everyone knew each other, the noise is enormous and people bursting into song or laughter serenade me home.

London started a Congestion Charge recently. It has
proven to be very effective and, although drivers hate
it -- they are charged £5 for a day of driving in
central London -- it's made such a difference to bus
journeys. I would say it's cut about a quarter of the
time off anywhere I go, making a bus pas (£2 for the
day, £8.50 for the week) even more of a bargain. There
is no transfer system here so if a journey consists of
two or three changes, it can be very pricey. In
Central London a bus ticket is £1 a time, and a tube
ticket (only within the central zone) close to £2. I'm attaching a picture of one of my local streets with its usual traffic jam. Some of you will have already seen this.

I imagine Toronto would seem very quiet and
well-behaved after all of this. I am planning to come
for a visit before the end of the year and will let
you all know so we can cause our own noise and
celebration.

I miss you all and will talk to you soon!

Jan

*multicultural in London seems different than Toronto.
Hackney, where I live, is made up mostly of
Afro-Caribbean and Turkish, besides White. Races stick
to their own much more than in Toronto, creating
ghettos, much of which are scary in their exclusivity.

2003-03-15T23:03:00.000Z

Getting up
I rise around 7:30, conscious that I have to go out today. There's time for a bacon sandwich, tea, and some online time. Today is my deadline for submitting copy for coding to iDEa. Sure enough, there's a few documents in my inbox and I sigh as I notice the usual errors even after proofreading, race through some corrections and send them off for coding. There's email to answer too and staff reminders to write: for promotions, for promised copy that hasn't arrived. Thank goodness no one is paging me, anyway. Every morning as I walk back and forth, I am amused by Krishna who sighs heavily in his sleep with each pass I make. It's like a dance between us somehow.

Leaving for the station
It's my usual race out of the door and down all those flights of stairs, along the road to Hackney Central Station. I leave too many things till the last minute and I have an envelope to post too. I'm looking at the litter along the way and never fail to be surprised at the carelessness of residents who seem to have no pride in their surroundings. But it's a gorgeous morning -- sunny and cool and I'm dressed for it today. At the station I try to buy my travelcard from a machine before realising that it doesn't take cards. The ticket window guy moves slowly when I ask for one and then he has to call someone to verify my card. One of these days I have to check why my card never goes through automatically! Over the bridge and just a few minutes to wait for the train to take me to Highbury and Islington. I page Vanessa and Kat, looking for a sushi partner.

My journey
The train to H&I is nasty but not too full. I change to the Victoria Line. I hate the tube, including the tunnels that connect the lines. My head swims with the reflected light and claustrophobic proportions and I hold tight when going down impossibly long escalators. There's something cool about it, though, since it is such a huge reminder that I am in London and not Toronto where the subway system is clean and easily navigated. The train zips along at breakneck speed and I'm in Stockwell so quickly I am amazed. This is the first time I've tried this route and I'll be using it again.

Lucy
Lucy is my student. She has cerebral palsy and dyslexia and she wants to learn to use the internet. She lives in a beautiful, artistic home in Stockwell. She is, after all, an artist. It's fun teaching her things and thinking up ways to help her dyslexic mind to grasp concepts that she needs to visualise before she can learn. It's a great lesson to me when I am with Lucy. She is so bright and sweet that I have to keep looking at her to remember that she has such physical difficulty. At the end of an hour and a half she's learned so much and yet she isn't satisfied. She thinks she is hopeless. I wonder who told her that.

Lunch
There's a wonderful Italian delicatessen near Lucy's house. On my way I drop in and watch the queue of people with baskets brimming with huge loaves and pasta and sauces and cakes. Some have at least a dozen loaves and I wonder what they will do with them. But today I haven't been able to get any money and they don't accept cards. No Barilla pasta and calabrese for me this week.

(Insert: Does anyone care I just lost half an hour of typing here and have to do it over? No? I thought not! Forget it, then! Another time...)

2002-11-09T02:44:00.000Z

I was just thinking how odd it is to be so far away
from temptation at Christmas. No candies, no cookies,
no canapes and dips and chocolates, and glasses of
wine and eggnog and mulled everything. Could this mean
no extra pounds this year? Well, I wish. Somehow they
creep on by magic just by thinking about them or
daring to smell them as I walk by restaurants.

Last week I was invited to a Christmas drinks party at
a pub – my first of very few invitations this year.
First of all I went to Somerset House where every year
they make a skating rink. Remembering the fun of
watching skaters at Christmassy Nathan Phillips
Square, I went along. Somerset House is a very grand
setting. It has a huge courtyard with some impressive
architecture as a backdrop.
http://www.somerset-house.org.uk/icerink/. A nice
added touch where the huge torch flares all around the
edge of the rink. However, I must say that the calibre
of skating was nothing close to Toronto’s…but fun to
watch the learners try their luck at a mere £9.50 an
hour, to be booked in advance…well in advance. At
least the audience aren’t charged a penny, although
having said that someone may try that for next year. I
popped into the café for a minute. Wow. That was like
going back in time, with a winding stone staircase and
well-worn stone steps. I shall have to find time to
explore some more.

The pub http://www.pubs.com/grapw1.htm was in Mayfair
in an area called Shepherd Market. For those who know
London, this is just off Piccadilly, very close to the
Ritz and not terribly far from Buckingham Palace.
Shepherd Market is very historic and atmospheric and I
hadn’t been there for many years. Another place to
explore in the daytime soon. I was completely shocked
to see that some of the windows above the shops were
residences and my mind boggles at what kind of price
they fetch in such an exclusive neighbourhood. In the
upstairs room in the pub I got to know a few people I
had met only once before and did have my fair share of
nibbles and a couple of wine spritzers. Maybe the
heartburn that ensued will put me off future such
gatherings, but probably not. I came home contented.

Things were quiet after this. I had already completed
my Christmas shopping and sent boxes off to my family.
Does anyone know why the box sent to California
arrived 1½ weeks ago and the one to Toronto is yet to
be received? Very worrying.

Chanukah was last week. I went hunting for a menorah.
No luck. Even in an area full of Sephardim, I was
disappointed to find no menorahs other than an
extravagantly silver one. I switched my sights to
finding some great kosher food instead. Again no luck
other than a fabulous cheese danish which I gobbled
down immediately and a small chocolate milkshake. I
came home with one rollmop herring, some menorah
candles, candle holders, a mini Challah and a rather
nasty stomach problem that lasted three days. My
makeshift menorah consisted of eight votive holders
topped by foil candle holders and a tall iron candle
stick in the centre, all along the kitchen window
sill. Lit, it passed inspection!

Yesterday I decided that it was time to decorate the
flat. I grabbed my warm clothes to combat the
“bitterly cold” temperatures – this, by the way, will
make the Torontonians laugh, at about 5C – and bought
a bus pass for the day. At £2 for the day, it’s one of
the few bargains I relish. My destination was Columbia
Road Flower Market
http://www.eastlondonmarkets.com/crm-history.htm not
too far from where I live. The market is really hidden
away and a real find if you like plants and flowers.
At Christmas it’s completely wonderful, full of
Christmassy things (and smells!) that are almost
unimaginable by North American standards. There are
poinsiettas and Christmas trees and fir wreaths of
course! But then there are wreaths made of ivy,
mistletoe, laurel, berries of every colour, incredibly
exotic flowers, great armload bunches of holly,
eucalyptus, berry-laden branches, and flower and
branch arrangements with items I could not begin to
name. Trees here go from £5-20 (table top size to
something around 7 foot) and with a pocketful of money
and your own transport, you could go home with
unbelievable treasures for your home. I, on the other
hand, with my mini budget and bus pas knew I wanted a
poinsietta, some gilded branches and a few sprays of
evergreen rather than a tree. There were no sprays to
be had but, thanks to a lot of very generous stall
holders I came home with two big bags full of
discarded branches. I spent last night decorating and
now feel it’s the season at last. I promise to take
pictures.

Tomorrow night I have another Chistmas drinks party –
this one not underwritten. During the day I have a
lunch meeting with two DigitalEve friends and then I
think a brief shopping expedition is in order while I
am in town. I’ll catch up with you again soon!

2002-05-26T15:43:00.000+01:00

I want to share the replies I got after surgery results. They are special.

Waheeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
That is fabulous news!
My step-dad is going for his results today, and i hope his news is a good as
yours!
Don't try and overdo things, Jan, but that is such brilliant news :)
Drinkies in London sometime soon :)

Bestest of the best to you,
love
Sue and the clan
XXXXX

Jan, that is really really great. It's just sinking in as I write this. You
are cancer free. What a wonderful gift. That is huge.
Let me know about Thurs. A million hugs (better virtual than real now so as
not to squish your incisions!:)

Love, Susanne

Thanks for sharing the good news. It does help, you know. Even
the people who've had bad news feel better for being reminded that
BC isn't the same for everyone.
--
Sincere best wishes from Morris

That is good news for all of us to hear!!!!! I'm so happy for
you!

Hugs,
Maureen

My warmest congratulations! What a relief, eh?

Musa

That is wonderful Jan, I am really pleased for you :-))))
so you can start to make plans to move now, what a relief it all must be
for you!
Great news, congratulations. :-)))

Em

You mean it looks like they got rid of it all? That is ace news. I'm pleased
and relieved! Hope the convalescence is going to be a priority now.
Look forward to seeing you over here some time soon then!!
Better dash, have work to do as always at the moment. The reason I always
seem to have so much is that I keep not getting any done, so it's probably
the same work I was moaning about last week!

Dave

(Jan's note, sorry - I had to leave that bit about work in, Dave. It is SO YOU!)

Ta for the update Jan, glad to hear you're feeling much better (sans
tube as well).
Get well soon - see you in the big smoke shortly!
Cheers

Pete

2002-05-14T15:34:00.000+01:00

It's all medicalese but my doctor has given me nothing but great news. Every
single thing I could have wanted her to say was said and you can't do better
than that! The brief version is that they left no cancer inside my breast
and there is no sign that there is any spread to other part of my body. Now,
if any of you want the medical hoopla, just email me and it's yours.

I am set to go to London now so I can get some further treatment. Still, I
am having trouble finding an affordable fare. The lovely price I got back in
March is no longer available and what I can get is about twice the cost. I
have a couple of opportunities for something reasonable but they involve
flying down to the States first, something I am loath to do while recovering
and forbidden to carry anything over 10 lbs, not to mention the discomfort
of sitting for too long and a small risk of something nasty happening to my
arm in pressurized spaces. Ugh. I'm crossing my fingers...

I want to go by June 1 because getting hooked up with a medical team there
might take me a week or two and then I have to sit out the waiting period.
The sooner the wait starts, the sooner I can relax and consider it truly
over.

Other than that, my recovery is going well. My arm is almost back to full
use. The incisions are looking healthy. Once I have the radiation treatments
behind me I should be able to get on with my life again and try not to think
too much about this coming back. It had better not try!

2002-05-01T15:31:00.000+01:00

it's a gorgeous day in toronto and i am slowly surfacing

i had my surgery on monday around 1pm. i had wonderful support including the
chief of anesthesia coming in to do his thing for me on a day when he was
not scheduled. i was terrified of the anesthetic and he knew it. so when he
put the oxygen mask on me he just kept talking to me and i didn't have a
clue he was giving me anything more until i woke up four or so hours later
feeling surprised, alive and not at all sick.

being swathed in bandages is no fun. being stuck in a high bed with levers
you cant quite reach and all your "stuff" like phone and water are on your
"bad" side so you can't reach them. but everyone treated me wonderfully. i
remember friendly faces and nice hot blankets tucked around me, and pillows
supporting my knees and back.

i came home yesterday at lunch time doped up and a bit shaky. i changed to
tylenols after that and feel much more alert. it's hard to manage things and
i hate this horrible drain under my arm and asking people to lift me out of
bed all the time but i know this will pass. i have two incisions, a smallish
one on my breast and a long one that i can't see (thank goodness) under my
arm - that's the painful one. results come on may 13 so nothing new until
then...

thanks for the emails and phone calls. please forgive me if i don't answer.
it's not you! it's just a bit overwhelming so everyone has orders not to
answer but to let your messages go to the machine. as soon as i feel less
stiff i will be able to respond a bit better so look for me towards the
weekend. please know that your thoughts for me are appreciated and i know
you are there.

i'm here too :)
and i'm getting better all the time...